No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

Summary

The single best book on the Nice Guy Syndrome from the guy who invented the term.

Dr. Glover explains what it is, how it came to be and provides forty-six exercises to help Nice Guys break free.

If you are a nice guy or think you may be, I highly recommend reading this book and doing the exercises.

If you like spirituality, The Road Less Traveled is uniquely insightful and thought-provoking. Or if you've ever contemplated the ceaseless nature of change, Who Moved My Cheese offers a simple yet powerful parable to relate to this phenomenon with greater wisdom.

Notes

Introduction

Chapter 1  The Nice Guy Syndrome

Who Are These Men?

Characteristics of Nice Guys

Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others.

What’s Wrong With Being a Nice Guy?

The term nice guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice.  Here are some not-so-nice traits of Nice Guys:

But He Seemed Like Such A Nice Guy

The Integrated Male

An integrated mail possesses many of the following attributes:

Paradigms

The Ineffective Nice Guy Paradigm

Doing Something Different

Over the last several years, I have watched countless men "do something different "by applying the principles contained in this book.

Asking For Help

Chapter 2  The Making Of A Nice Guy

Coping With Abandonment

Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him.

Toxic Shame

Survival Mechanisms

As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things:

The Origin Of The Nice Guy Paradigm

Perfect Little Boys To Nice Guys

Two Kinds of Nice Guys

The Baby Boom Generation And The Sensitive Guy

To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century an accelerated phone World War II. These social dynamics included:

These social changes crated three profound dynamics that contributed to the widespread phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation.

Soft Males And Boy-Men

The Habits Of Highly Ineffective Men

Nice Guys prevent themselves from getting what they want in life and love by:

Chapter 3  Learn to Please Yourself

Seeking Approval

How Nice Guys Use Attachments

Seeking The Approval Of Women

Cover-Up Artists

The Nice Guy’s need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and alive.

Hiding The Evidence

Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes.

Teflon Men

Self-Approval

Identifying Approval-Seeking Behavior Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Taking Good Care Of The Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Affirming Self Helps Nice Guys Learn to Approve Of Themselves

Spending Time Alone Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Revealing Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Shedding Old Skin

Chapter 4  Make Your Needs A Priority

Low Maintenance Kinds Of Guys

Trying To Appear Needless And Wantless Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

Making It Difficult For Others To Give To Them Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

Using Covert Contracts Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

The nice guy’s covert contract is simply this:
I will do this________________(fill in blank) for you, so that you will do this__________________ (fill in the blank) for me.  We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.

Caring vs. Caretaking

The Victim Triangle

Becoming Truly Selfish

Taking Responsibility For Their Own Needs Helps Nice Guys Get Their Needs Met

Making The Decision

Chapter 5  Reclaim Your Personal Power

A Paradigm Of Powerlessness

Overcoming The Wimp Factor - Reclaiming Personal Power

Surrendering Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Expressing Feelings Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Facing Fears Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Developing Integrity Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Setting Boundaries Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Take A Walk On The Wild Side

Chapter 6  Reclaim Your Masculinity

Nice Guys Tend To Be Disconnected From Other Men

Nice Guys Tend To Be Disconnected From Their Masculinity

Nice Guys Tend To Be Monogamous To Their Mothers

Nice Guys Tend To Seek The Approval Of Women

Connecting With Men Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity

Breaking The Monogamous Bond To Mom

Getting Strong Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity

Seeking Out Healthy Role Models Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity

Re-examining Their Relationship With Their Father Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity

Chapter 7  Get The Love You Want:  Success Strategies For Intimate Relationships

Co-Creating Dysfunctional Relationship Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Love They Want

Patterns of Enmeshment And Avoidance Prevent Nice Guys From Getting The Love They Want

Re-Creating Familiar Childhood Relationship Patterns Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Love They Want

Being Bad Enders Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Love They Want

Strategies For Building Successful Relationships

Learning To Approve Of Themselves Helps Nice Guys Get The Love They Want

Setting Boundaries Helps Nice Guys Get The Love They Want

Focusing On Their Relationship, Not Their Partner Helps Nice Guys Get The Love They Want

Not Reinforcing Undesirable Behaviors Helps Nice Guys Get The Love They Want

Doing Something Different When Beginning A New Relationship Helps Nice Guys Get The Love They Want

This doesn't mean searching for the perfect partner, just one who is already taking responsibility for her own life. Over time, the members of life no more Mr. nice guy groups have come up with a number of traits to consciously look for when creating new relationships.

Doing something different also means refraining from being sexual in new relationships. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship.

Chapter 8  Get The Sex You Want:  Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex

The problems are manifested in many ways:

Shame And Fear

Avoidance Of Sexual Situations Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

Trying To Be A Good Lover Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

Hiding Compulsive Sexual Behaviors Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

Repressing Their Life Energy Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

Coming Out Of The Closet Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands Helps Nice Guys Get the Sex They Want

Saying “No” To Bad Sex Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner.

Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

Chapter 9  Get The Life You Want:  Discover Your Passion And Purpose In Life, Work, And Career

If there were no limits on your life:

Nice Guys On The Job

Fear Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Life They Want

Trying To Do It Right Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Life They Want

Trying To Do Everything Themselves Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Life They Want

Self-Sabotage Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Life They Want

A Distorted Self-Image Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Life They Want

Deprivation Thinking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Life They Want

Realizing Your Passion and Potential

Charting Their Own Path Allows Nice Guys To Get The Life They Want

Identifying Self-Sabotaging Behaviors Allows Nice Guys To Get The Life They Want

Remember, what one man can do another man can do.

Unfortunately, the world can’t give us something that we’re not ready to receive.  Since deprivation thinking keeps a person holding tightly to what he already has, there is no receptivity for receiving more.  

Get The Life You Want:  The No More Mr. Nice Guy Strategy For Success

Suggested Resources For Recovering Nice Guys

Codependent No More; How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself by Melody Beattie
Written primarily from the prospective [sic] of alcoholic family systems, this early book on codependency applies to both men and women.

Iron John by Robert Bly
Bly uses myth and poetry to focus on the ways men are wounded in modern cultures.

Out of the Shadows; Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
A leading expert on sexual addiction, Carnes’s books cover issues of personal addiction and traumatic bonds in relationship.

Wild at Heart; Discovering The Secret Of A Man’s Soul by John Eldridge
Eldridge explores how Christian men are conditioned to be “nice” and how this robs them of their true masculine selves.

The Myth Of Male Power by Warren Farrell
A former president of the New York Chapter of NOW, Farrell has written numerous books on men’s issues and relationships.

The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian
Gurian addresses the unique qualities and characteristics of boys and adolescent males in his books.

America’s Sexual Crisis by Anne Stirling Hastings, Ph.D.
Hastings’ books focus on helping individuals and couples overcome their sexual wounds and the dysfunctional conditioning of society in order to experience powerful, unfolding sex.

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
The founder of Fear Busters, Jeffers’s book is a readable and powerful prescription for facing and overcoming fear.

Nice Guys Don’t Get Laid by Marcus Pierce Melton, Jr.
A humorous look at why Nice Guys have difficulty in their personal and sexual relationships.

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.
In one of the best selling self-help books of all time, Peck addresses issues of discipline, love and spirituality.

Camile Paglia
An historian and observer of modern culture, Paglia frequently touches on issues of personal and sexual relationship dynamics.

Neil Scott
A pioneer in identifying, explaining and treating the Nice Guy Syndrome, especially as this phenomenon pertains to single men and their relationships with women.  He offers an audio titled, The Nice Guy and Why He Always Fails With Women.

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